Pregnancy Guilt & Infertility

This weekend marked a big milestone in our pregnancy.

We hit the third trimester and if my incompetent cervix decided to give out right now, baby has a 95% chance of survival.

Lord knows we are not through with this pregnancy yet, but God willing, we are in the final stretches and the thought of having a baby in our arms is quickly becoming more of a reality! 

And now that we are closing in on the end of our pregnancy and the beginning of parenthood, I felt compelled to write about my pregnancy guilt.

As some of you I know, Matt and I struggled with infertility.  Surprisingly, my infertility had nothing to do with my cervical cancer.  On top of having 80% of my cervix removed, I had other issues... Go figure.  My body does not naturally produce enough progesterone to let my eggs mature long enough before they are released from my ovaries.  In other words, every month that I cycled my body released an egg that could never become fertilized.  

A few thousand dollars and a couple years later, we had found the source of our infertility AND we were able to treat it. 

We started the wonder drug Clomid and we became pregnant during our first month of treatment!

According to my OBG, a normal woman's progesterone levels post ovulation are normally higher than 15nmol/l - we will just say "15" because I don't have the medical degree to can explain what "nmol/l" even means. Ideally, they are higher than 30, but 15 does the trick as well.  

So, prior to even considering clomid as an option, I had my progesterone levels checked.  

The first test I was a 15.5!  I passed.  Sort of.  15 was too low to say that I was actually ovulating a healthy egg.  

So my OBG wanted to get another count.

The second test I was an 8. 

My 8 meant that I ovulated a premature egg into a premature uterus.  Even in a perfect uterus with perfect sperm (which my husband is proud to have) :) my imperfect egg would never turn into a baby.  

Thus, the clomid was prescribed. 

One month after I started my clomid cycle, I was pregnant!

The clomid had done it's job- my brain had been tricked into thinking that it wasn't getting ANY progesterone, so it made extra.  My progesterone level the month I was on clomid was 44! 

We only told family and a few close friends before I hit 12 weeks just to be sure that our little buddy was going to stick around.  

And now, 28 weeks into the pregnancy, with the lords help we will have a healthy baby sometime in the next 3 months! 

I cannot explain the happiness that is in our hearts knowing that we will soon get to meet this little baby.  We have prepped a nursery, we are constantly daydreaming about our future roping/fishing/road-tripping buddy, and we are so SO blessed to have been given this pregnancy, this life.  

And yet there is a part of me that feels guilty. 

If you read this blog post, you know how Matt and I felt about Gods plan and infertility treatments. 

We trusted that since we could not get pregnant alone, we had been given the chance to use medical assistance to see if pregnancy was still in store for us.  And we knew that if it wasn't in our plan, no amount of drugs or treatments would give us a baby.  

But.... It was in our plan - thank you Jesus - and we will soon be expecting a baby!

But now ... What do I say to my friends who still are unable to conceive?

I used to be the woman listening to others tell them "don't worry, it'll happen" and "just keep practicing" and "my best friends - sisters - ex fiances - cousin couldn't get pregnant either" .....

So I obviously don't say those things...

I never ask when someone is going to start having kids as you never know if that question will hurt them.

I try not to give any advice to women who want a baby but seem so desperately far from it - I always just say that I will pray for them, that I will pray that The Lord will bless them with a child.  

I try to be sensitive of others and I always remind myself that there are SO many women who struggle with infertility. 

And now, I'm in the OTHER category.

IM the pregnant one. 

I'm no longer the one struggling with infertility.

But we DID struggle with it!

I have the medical bills, lab results and X-rays to prove it!  

I still remember the pain and the frustration and the anger and the sadness of not getting a positive test.

And yet now, I know the joy and the love and the happiness and the excitement of getting a positive test. 

I'm not a woman who is fertile, and yet I am no longer a woman who is infertile.

And I have struggled with this. 

And I have guilt.

I have guilt that maybe it came too easy - one little pill and BAM, all my problems were fixed.  What about others that go through IUI and then IVF, and then another IVF.... Or the ones that have miscarriage after miscarriage.  And what about the women that go through all the treatments possible just to endure a failed adoption?

I have guilt that when I mention my pregnancy or upload my bump pictures to Facebook or blog about the magical kicks in my belly, that other women feel like im gloating, like I'm rubbing it in.  Or that others just assume my journey to pregnancy was an easy one, even an unexpected one. 

I have guilt that I've surprisingly had an easy pregnancy so far.  My doctors kept a very close eye on me, I had vaginal exams every 2 weeks starting at 12 weeks along, and I was encouraged to have as little activity as possible.  And here I am, 28 weeks along, no complications.  No crazy morning sickness.  No bleeding.  I'm healthy!

But even with this guilt, I have not downplayed my excitement, nor have I hidden my pregnancy from anyone.  I know that this baby is here because it was supposed to bless our lives!  We prayed and God answered... But it was more than an answer, it was already predetermined!  He knew it would happen, we just had to be patient.  And because I know that this baby is supposed to be mine, I am not afraid to show this belly off and I am so overjoyed to have this pregnancy smile on my face.  

I don't want to offend others, but I also want to relish in this pregnancy because this baby is such a blessing, such a miracle.  I want to share Gods blessing and I want others to see our joy.  

This isn't the kind of guilt that makes me feel sorry or apologetic.  

It's the kind of guilt that creates awkward conversations between friends or stares in the doctors waiting room.  

It's hard to be guilty for something you know is right, for something you wanted so much.  

Normally, guilt comes with regret.  I do not regret treating my fertility.  I do not regret the pain of the treatments, nor the deficit in our bank account.

Guilt usually also comes with sadness.  I am not sad that I am soon to be a mother - it is something I've daydreamed about for years.  And I have enough faith in God to say that I'm not sad for other women who are struggling with their fertility.  I feel empathy, but no sadness.  We are all on our own journeys and God has made these journeys what they are for a reason, for a reason far beyond our knowledge and understanding.  

Sure, you can say that the only reason I am saying this is because I am pregnant, because I'm going to be a mother.  But if clomid was never to have worked for us, or if I had miscarried, or even if this pregnancy doesn't go as planned, I would have and will still trust in The Lord that he is looking out for me, that he knows what is best for me and that he will only put circumstances in my life that will uplift Him and that will give me hope and will give me a future.  

I know that I shouldn't feel guilty for becoming pregnant.

And I know that most everyone is happy for Matt and I.

I guess I just want others to know that once an "infertile woman" becomes pregnant, her worries and her sadness don't just go away.  She will be so excited for her pregnancy, but she will also feel guilt.  She will be thinking about all the other women she met on her infertility journey and she will be hoping that everyone is as blessed as her to one day carry a health baby, to one day find a treatment that works.  

If you read this and are struggling with infertility, please look at my belly bump as a symbol of hope!

I'm like you - I've struggled - but now it's my turn to celebrate.

And I hope you celebrate with me, and I will pray for your turn to come in Gods timing. 

Infertility changes you forever.

Pregnancy, babies, children, families - it's all different now in my eyes. 

God has truly blessed us, and I will try to focus on that instead of the guilt that I sometimes feel.

So here's to my turn.  And I'll be praying for yours. 

We're Pregnant!!!

So yes, i know this is late... as im now 16 weeks along.

But i kept a journal so that one day (today apparently) i could share my pregnancy journey with the blogging world!

So, lets flash back to October, the 27th to be precise.

There i was, lying on my sisters couch in california.  I was 2 days late and i had bought a pregnancy test the night before.  However, i had left it in my sisters room with my suitcase and other belongings.  I really and i mean REALLY had to pee, but i didnt want to wake her up.  Thank goodness my little nephew did that for me :).  He was talking just enough that she could hear him, so she got up and went to see what was up.  I asked if i could grab the test, then ran to the potty, did the pee-pee dance as i was struggling to get the dang child proof wrapped stick open, and finally gave it a good 5 steady seconds of stream.

Then, because watching the stick for 2 minutes is torture, i left it on the tub and went to look at myself in the mirror, because that seemed like a better thing to stare at then my pee stick.  2 minutes (+30 seconds more just for good measure) had passed and i went to look at it and saw.....

A BFP!!!!! (Big Fat Positive for all you non-TTC [trying to conceivers])

Matt and i did it!!! On our first round of the wonder drug Clomid!

We made a baby!!!  With the grace of God, we were pregnant!!!!!

I could not believe it.

So right then and there, on the toilet rug, i knelt down and said a prayer.

I thanked Him for this amazing blessing, and asked that he keep the little baby healthy and inside of me for as long as it needed to be.

So i went back to the living room, grabbed my phone, and called matt.

No, i didnt tell him we were pregnant over the phone... but calling him just seemed like the right thing to do!   Just hearing his voice was so exciting.  We talked about his morning and my night and then said our goodbyes.

Britt came out a little later on and she had heard me sniffling on the couch as i was talking to matt.  Sniffling from crying yes, but crying tears of JOY!

So, with her only knowing of my tears, she prepared herself for cheering me up... but then, i showed her the stick and she couldnt believe it!

It was pretty much a true California Girl moment filled with "Shut Up!?!?!" and "No Way?!?!" and "Oh my Gosh!!!" 

It was very exciting being able to say it out loud for the first time! 

Im Pregnant!

A few hours later i took my first "pregnancy picture" = fabulous idea from my brother in law Heath!

Somehow i had totally skipped over that idea... leave it to the man who has 8 kids to remember something that important :)

little baby is 4 weeks along here :)

But what i couldnt wait for was telling Matt!

My wonderful husband, my best friend in the entire world, was going to be a daddy!

He had wanted this even before i did.

Back when i had my last surgery, and the doc said it was time to start trying, i was nervous and didnt know if i was ready for that yet.  Not Matt, he was ready.  And now the time had come!

I had all these elaborate plans in my mind (courtesy of pinterest) of how i would tell him when i found out.  But i was never planning on being 16 hours away from him when i found out!

So, i had to improvise - i took my sis with me to go onesie shopping.

We made a quick stop to see my dad and i told him the good news.

More tears of joy!  He is excited to have another grandbaby.

Then we left, and went to....

BabiesRUs, here we come!

I found an adorable little tan onesie for little baby ingram that read "Daddys Little Star".

It was perfect for the little baby.

Then i found a bedtime board book entitled "On the Night You Were Born"

I read the first page, then tried to read it aloud to brittney, but i couldnt get the words out audibly through all my tears!

"On the night you were born, 

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you

and the night wind whispered, 

'Life will never be the same.'

Because there had never been anyone like you...

ever in the world"

It was perfect for the little baby.  

Then i found a "Congratulations Daddy" card to go along with the book and the onesie.

It was perfect for the little baby.  

They were all perfect for the little perfect baby.

I put it all in a gift bag and counted down the minutes to when i would see matt at the airport.

I got off the plane, had a much needed toilet break where i decided to pee on the 2nd stick in the box just to make sure it was still a plus sign (thank you Jesus, it was), and headed out past security to the passenger arrival area.  As always, he was the most handsome man waiting in the boise airport.  

We hugged and then i led him back over to the waiting area chairs and gave him my gift bag.

He reached in and grabbed the card, pulled the card just enough out of the envelope that he could read the "Congratulations Daddy" part, and then looked at me in awe.  

Those two little words were enough to make us both cry, and hold each other, and then cry some more.  

Matt was so excited - that night, we both wore the largest smiles anyone has ever had.

So, naturally, we wanted to celebrate!

We went to Carls Jr! 

(they dont have these in most parts of Idaho... the closest one to our house is 2.5 hours away, so it was a great choice of celebratory meals!)

And it was delicious!

That night Matt called the baby his "little buddy" and has called the baby that ever since then.

In the next few days, i called Grandma Lisa and she was so excited, i made her cry at work.

Then i called Auntie Amanda and i made her cry too.

And she was very adamant that i take very good care of myself (love that she cares so much for me) :)

Then i called Grandpa Dan and had to leave a message but he called me back and i was able to tell him too.  He was very happy - he is a man of few words but you could hear the smile in his voice.

Then i called Great Grandma Nina, and she was so excited too.  She also gave me a stern talking to about how i was to rest and not ride horses and not run around with the cows like i normally do.  She sure does love me and i am one lucky lady!  Im so so glad that little baby ingram will get to meet her.  She is incredible.

I called be bff from childhood Des and she was over the moon, she was literally squealing into the phone.  And im pretty sure i could hear her jump up and down.  She is also pregnant, so we are bffs pregnant together... so fun!

I called Grandmomma Valerie and Auntie Chelle too... and they both started crying and were just so happy for us. 

A few days later i finished up my baby registry at Target (that i will admit to starting about 4 months before we started clomid - it was fun to dream) and also started pinning baby stuff like crazy to my secret baby pinterest board.

I had my first craving right around halloween - SALAMI!

Pretty odd for me, i mean i love it and all, but while i was at work i would have bet money that someone walked into the office with salami in their pocket - thats how bad i wanted it... so much so that i could smell it.  As soon as i got off work, i ran to the highly overpriced touristy market and bought salami.  I didnt even wait until i got home before indulging in a piece or two or five.

Needless to say, my husband was more than happy to indulge himself.

You can tell the baby is half Matt - it was loving the salami too.

The next few weeks i had sore boobies (that also grew to size 34B... whoo whoot!), crazy headaches, a nauseous tummy, and lovely acne - all courtesy of increased hormones.

We took my 1 month picture on Halloween. 

I wanted to incorporate daddy into these photos too, so he will be holding the "baby" each picture.

And, to be completely honest, this "orange seed" is actually a green bean seed - all the oranges i had at home were seedless... go figure. 

We of course talked about names, and we like...

Boy: Bodie O'Dell or Bridger Daniel

Girl: Ruby Angelina or Sonora Jo

I had more cravings for fried food, sweet and sour chicken, nina's quesidillas, des's burritos, french fries... pretty much anything cooked in oil, and a LOT of it!

Matt even told me "Um, you know thats bad for you right?!"

I cant help it!!!

The BABY wants it!  The BABY needs it! :)

Ok so i can help it, and i know its bad for me....

But i have a few pounds to spare, so i can indulge in the unhealthy stuff now while I'm trying not to barf at the sound of food.  

Im sure ill thank Matt later when i dont have 80lbs of post baby weight to lose!

OH! and weirdest pregnancy side effect in those early weeks - extra saliva - man i was drooling all over the place... excellent.

My fried food craving soon turned into a carb crazy craving - mac and cheese, ramen noodles, any pasta, and any bread.

I never threw up, but man, any food that wasnt listed above was totally gross...especially salad.

Im still having issues with salad.... im working on it tho.

Grossest side effect of pregnancy in the early weeks??? 

Farts - holy moly, i thought my husbands gas was killer...

apparently i had never been around a pregnant lady! 

I cant even believe that my flatulence is now in the same category as my husbands!

WHAT is WRONG with me?!?

I definitely feel bad for anyone who sat behind me in church, stood behind me in the checkout line, you get the picture....

thank goodness those have passed....

Now, onto the joys of second trimester pregnancy!

The Death of a Loved One

The other morning I was speaking with a dear friend about death.

Now,  although not the brightest of topics, it is an event that we will all experience while on this earth.

We will see loved ones come and we will see loved ones go.

And we will mourn, and we will grieve, and we will weep.

We will ask God why, and we will be angry and hurt.

And it will take great strength to understand that they are gone because it is all part of Gods plan.

It will take great faith to know that they are in a better place, that they no longer have pain or struggles, that they no longer have fear or shame.  

I have experienced death in my life more than I care to mention. 

The elderly pass on, their bodies give out and their minds get tired.

But so do the young, and at times there is absolutely no comfort in knowing that such a young life was taken.  

Having both experienced the young and the old passing on, I hate to admit that I find no difference between them.

Surely the older person lived a full life, experienced all the joy that the younger person did not get to live through.  

And yet death, both young and old, still hurts. 

It still steals your heart, it still shows you great sorrow.

It has been almost 9 years since my mother died.

She died very suddenly, at the young age of 47.

We had no warning, not a hint or suggestion of her death.

The night before the morning of her passing, I had watched a movie with her, I had eaten butterfinger chocolates with her.  I had carried on my Monday at Cal Poly like any other Monday.  I attended classes, had studied in the UU, I had eaten a turkey sandwich.  

I first realized something might be wrong when I tried to call her on my way to school.  We would always talk on the phone during my commute to the campus and a few times during the day.  She didnt answer her phone so I figured she was still sleeping.  Then her office called me and told me she hadn't made it into work and that they had trouble reaching her.  I started to get an uneasy feeling, but brushed it off knowing she was probably having a "sick day" and playing hookie.  Hours and hours passed, multiple phone calls were made, and my throat started to get tighter.  Finally, at 7:15pm, just 5 minutes into my last class, I received a phone call, a phone call I never expected to receive. A phone call that left me without air, without words. 

How could it be? She was just alive, just running through the living room on her way to get her morning coffee. We were just laughing and having a great time watching the movie Garden State. 

I didn't get to say goodbye.  I didnt get to tell her how much I loved her.  I didn't get to tell her that I forgave her for anything she had ever done wrong.  I didn't get to tell her how proud I was of her for working every day at beating her alcoholism.  And I didn't get to I say goodbye!

The next week or so was surreal.  Going to the hospital to see her lifeless body as they wouldn't give me any information over the phone.  Taking a red eye flight to inform my sweet sister of the news.  Planning her funeral, packing up her belongings, meeting mourning people, opening sympathy cards, attending her viewing and her funeral. 

It was a terrible ordeal.  It was a shock to everyone knowing my sweet mother.  

It was so painful, so saddening.  I still cry when I think of living the rest of my long life without my mother. 

A sudden, unexpected death leaves no room for error.  No time for mending.  No time for goodbyes, no time for confessions, no time at all.

It has been just barely over 2 years since my grandfather, my Papa died.

He died after a long struggle with COPD and lungs that were far too used and abused. 

He was on hospice his last week, lying at home with my grandma and other loved ones always at his side.  He was in and out of consciousness, but his moments of clarity were moments we all treasure.

I was able to say goodbye.  He was able to look into my eyes and tell me that he loved me.  I was able to hold his hand and tell him that I loved him.  He even looked across the room at my husband and smiled, and said "Hey Matt! How are you!" His whole face lit up.  He shortly thereafter went back into his slumber, but all the family that was around was able to say goodbye, and give him hugs and kisses.

And yet, when the breath of his life finally left him, it was still terrible.

It hurt us all just as much as losing my mother.  It was so hard to see him so frail and so sick and not be able to help him at all.  It was so hard to see him weak and tired, when all I ever knew of him was a feisty old golfer, who was always such a joy.  It was so hard to see my grieving Nina so lost without her life partner. 

A death that comes after fighting a disease or an illness, a predicted death, leaves loved ones feeling helpless.  It leaves the same sorrow and hurt that an unpredicted death brings.

I do not feel that death gets any easier.  

I do not feel like I will ever get over losing my mother, my papa, my friend, even my dog, anyone.

You cannot get over someone who is so special to you.

You do learn coping mechanisms, and at times, the tears you cry are tears of joy.

Tears of sweet memories, tears knowing that your loved one is rid of their sick body and sick mind. 

I like to imagine my papa and my momma spending their days together, talking about us all still down here learning and fighting the fight. And every time I do think of them, they are always smiling, always laughing, which is not always how I pictured them before they died. 

I miss my family and my friends who have passed ever so much.

But I do find comfort in knowing that they are in a far better place, and that they are happy. 

Comfort also comes in every day moments, and little things help me remember the lovely things about the people I miss.

Smiles for my mom come in: Billy Joel songs, the Rocky Mountain chocolate factory, Mexican food, coffee or "feee" as she lovingly named it, Saturns, the color green, tanning beds, diet coke, girly tattoos, mini skirts and high heels, pajamas, hot weather, the mid state fair, hoop earrings, mineral water, freckles ....

Smiles for my papa come in: Westerns, Johnny Cash, cross word puzzles, golfing, golf carts, turquoise jewelry, nascar, halloween, navy vets, tattoos, button down shirts, silk pajama sets, the smoke stacks in morro bay, trolls, coins, PG&E, the word "dude", Fritos, Sandies shortbread cookies, butter pecan ice cream, mint gum, snuff,  wood working, tennis on tv, electronic dictionaries ...

It takes time to find these comforts, to see something and be happy instead of sad. 

Like I said, it doesn't get easier, I will never think it is easy without my mom or without my Papa, but we learn to cope and we learn to love and we learn to remember that they are happy. 

Some quotes that help me remember my loved ones are in a better place and that I should rejoice in their newfound life, not mourn: 

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.  He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me... Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever." Psalm 23

"So we are always of good courage.  We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from The Lord, for we walk by faith not by sight.  Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with The Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

"Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

How do you LOVE your Husband?

Ephesians Chapter 5 talks about love - not just any love, but the love between a husband and a wife

It tells us wives to submit to our husbands, just as we do to the lord.

We are told to respect him and honor him.

It tells husbands to love us wives, to make us holy, to present us as blameless, and to love us as they love their own bodies.

Because the husband that loves his wife loves himself.

AMAZING right?!?!

A couple that plays together, stays together... or at least thats our motto :)

In my mind, a wife that can truly love her husband is well on the road to respect.

These are a few ways that i try to love and respect my husband.

And when i do these things, let me tell you the Ingram Homestead is a much happier place :)

And they are so simple to do!  But they mean so much to your hubby, even if he doesnt say it.

When you start loving your husband every day, every hour, the respect that you are asked to have for him will just come naturally. 

He taught me how to LOVE fishing!

51 Ways I Love & Respect My Cowboy

1. Thank God for him - he is the most important thing in your life, you are truly blessed!

2. Take walks together - it is so nice to be outside in Gods beauty with your sweetie by your side

3. Cuddle up together - physical closeness can only lead to emotional and spiritual closeness

4. Leave love notes for him - in his lunch, on the mirror, on his pillow, in his boots - so fun!

5. Take his coffee to him in the morning - who doesnt love a free refill?!

6. Rub his head or his back - when he is relaxed, he is happy, and so are you!

7. Send him a text - make him laugh, remind him of a special moment, or just tell him you love him

8. Leave him a Voicemail - sing a funny song, tell a joke, or remind him that you are thinking of him

9. Send him letters in the MAIL! - everyone loves getting mail, especially love letters! S.W.A.K.!

10. Be silly together - make up songs, special handshakes, talk in funny accents
11. Dress up for him - make yourself all pretty just for him, especially when you are just home alone
12. Cook him a fancy dinner - make it a 3 course meal, with music, candles, and YOU!
13. DANCE! - dance in the kitchen, the bedroom, under the stars - dance floors are everywhere!
14. Learn new things, together! - take a class or try out something new and learn to laugh at eachother!
15. Wear Lingerie - make your honeymoon last forever, youll be extra irresistable!
16. Go to bed early - lay there together, talking and giggling, or maybe do something else?! ;)
17. Pray together - before the day starts and at the close of the day
18. Pray for him - help him through the day by praying for his safety, his happiness, his health, you name it
19. Read the bible together - then discuss it, its great to hear each others take on things
20. Volunteer together - babysit a friends kiddos, clean up the roadside, serve at a soup kitchen - its humbling and its great to experience together.
21. Do his favorite things - learn to rope, go hunt with him, help him in the garage - he will love it!
22. Dont nag - no explanation needed here
23. Make his favorite breakfast, lunch and dinner - a full hubby is a happy hubby!
24. Sit on his lap - it really helps you feel close to him, and he will love holding you.
25. Wink at him - and if you are terrible at it like me, at least he will laugh!
26. Hold hands - in the car, at church, at home on the couch!
27. Buy him a treat - if youre out running errands, buy him something small that made you think of him
28. Tell him how much you love him - he will never get sick of it
29. Tell him how gorgeous he is - or sexy, handsome, you get the picture :)
30. Fall asleep in his arms - listen to his heart beat, and know that it is all yours!
31. Dont be too tired! - you know what i mean....and initiate it!!! What a joy for him!
32. Encourage him - to try new things, to keep going, to do whatever it is he needs to do
33. Dont doubt him -  dont second guess him, always stand with his decision, even if its not what you would have chosen!
33. Trust him - he is head of your family, and will do what is best for all involved
34. Thank him - for doing the things that you asked him to do, make sure its noticed
35. Dont criticize him - only speak uplifting words
36. Make dinner together  - even if that means he is just in the kitchen with you
37. Have a pet name for him  - so nice to be called a sweet name by the one you love
38. Exercise together - you can encourage each other to stay healthy and active to live a long life together!
39. Laugh at his silliness and his jokes - make sure he knows you think he is funny! Even if its the same bit youve heard a million times
40. Listen to him - dont ignore him if its something you arent interested in, give him your undivided attention. And do not interrupt!
41. Argue NAKED - best marraige advice ever given to us on our wedding day! Imagine!?!
42. Make him his plate of food - he will love that you thought of his needs before yours (my grandma is a stickler for this one!)
43. Talk to him - he is not a mind reader (doi!) if you need something or want something, TELL HIM!
44. And have EYE contact - if you cant see his eyes, he probably cant "hear" you :)
45. Give him personal space - if he wants to go out with the guys, thats ok! Just make sure that when he comes home that he gets treated better than when he was out, so that your house is his favorite place to be!
46. Let him have Man Dates - encourage him to call his buddies and hang out with them - its good for him, and gives you time for gal time!
47. Say youre sorry - before he does - be a good forgiver!
48. Flirt with him - he obviously likes it, thats what got you two together in the first place!
49. Kiss him Hello and Goodbye - these times are momentous, and should be given special attention, not rushed!
50. Always talk him up - to his family, to his friends - make him known as the kind, loving wonderful hubby he is - make sue he is appreciated and acknowldged in front of everyone he holds dear.
51. Ask for his advice and opinion - what a great way to show him respect  and show that his feelings are of the utmost importance.

The prayer in our wedding is something i will always hold dear

And if youre thinking, "Hey now.. what about me??"
Remember, that when he feels loved, relaxed and happy - that is all he is going to give back.
A man that gets love like this is not going to be angry or distant.
When you meet his needs, he will almost always meet yours.

And if you are thinking, "Hmmm, its not the 1950's anymore, im not doing that ", I say this...
When is love, respect and kindness ever outdated??
Youre not doing these things because you have to, you are doing them because you WANT to, because you are HAPPY to, because you are BLESSED to!
And if you arent doing them for that reason, then dont do them! Or love will not be the message, but instead you will show bitterness and resentment, and disrespect...

Your love is unique, show it off!


The Top 10 Needs in Marriage are...(His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr)
Men: 1. Sexual Fulfillment, 2. Recreational Companionship, 3. Attractive Spouse, 4. Domestic Support and 5. Praist and Admiration.
Women: 1. Affection, 2. Conversation, 3. Honesty and Openness, 4. Financial Support and 5. Family Committment.
They can really go hand in hand, and like stated earlier, if you take care of his needs, he will in turn take care of yours.

I love this picture, because just seconds before this was taken, we were not speaking to each other, but just looking at one another for this picture made us both smile and turned our moods around. 

My husband comes second only to God.
He comes before me, and I am so incredibly proud of him, so amazingly in love with him, and so miraculously blessed to be his wife.
Ill admit, im not always 100% on these 51 things... but even if i can do 10 a day, our marriage is so happy and our love grows ten fold.

Be silly and have fun! 

(but dont throw your spouse off a bridge, NOT cool!)

Books to read!:
1. His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr
2. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
3. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger (Dr Laura)
4. Love and Respect for a Lifetime by Dr Emmerson Eggerichs
5. Fireproof  by Alex Kendrick
and most importantly the Bible!


And remember, youre nobody till somebody loves you, so find yourself somebody to love!
&
When somebody loves you, its no good unless they love you, all the way!
(Those good ol boys sure know how to woo a woman!)

Love this part of this movie, sure does make your heart flutter :)

Fertility Drugs & Storks

I never thought our journey to conceive would be so....Inconceivable

I thought babies came from.... 

And not so much...

I mean, I know that they do come from above.

I know that no amount of tests, procedures or drugs can bring a baby into this life without it being part of God's plan. 

I guess I just never thought that I would be one of those women.

The women who aren't just inherently fertile

I thought I would be the other kind of woman...

The kind who can just pop out babies without much worry...

Obviously that was God's plan for them.

And more obviously, it is not His plan for me.

I had never really given infertility treatments much thought until, well, I struggled with it.

Do we try IVF? 

How far do we go?

How much do want to spend?

Do we want to adopt?

But most importantly, what can we do AND still be trusting in God? 

In the scheme of things, 2 years of trying isn't that long. 

However, with some previous medical complications, it does make one anxious... 

And with many friends having babies, it seems like it might never be our time.

And it really might not ever be our time.

But that doesn't mean that we cannot raise a family! 

Matt and I will adopt if we are given that opportunity. 

But we do want to try and have a little one.

A friend once told me something that really struck me, really touched me.

They told me that I was a very special person, that I was smart, gifted, beautiful.

That I had so many great traits and characteristics

That my husband did too, that we were both very wonderful

And then said, "the world needs more of that in it"

Why would we not want a little baby made from us? :) 

I pray that it is in our plan, because I would surely love it. 

So today, we start clomid.

It will be our first treatment. 

We have had tests and procedures, all which were normal and for the most part non-invasive.

(Although my husband might disagree, bless his is very loving heart)

So I have been wondering how fertility drugs, fertility treatments, fit into Gods plan...

My pastors wife told me that nothing will change Gods plan - in short, taking a pill will not help us get pregnant if it is not meant to be.

Perhaps we are supposed to be struggling through this, leaning on Him and finding strength and comfort in Him

Perhaps we do need a little help in the scientific part of baby-making, perhaps it's in our plan?

Although in the back of my mind, I think about Sarah, Abrahams wife.

Sarah had trouble trusting in God's plan for her.

She was impatient, she didn't want to wait for offspring, so she took matters into her own hands.

She had Abraham sleep with Hagar, and Ishmael was born.

She had trouble believing that God will fulfill his promises, so she plunged ahead with her own solutions.

And down the road, she saw the consequences of her actions. 

I do not want to take matters into my own hands... But am I doing that with fertility drugs? 

Or am I taking advantage of the medical advances that God has blessed us with?

Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares The Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

For now, we will take things a step at a time.

We are going to try the clomid, and well, we will see what's next and decide if it is for us.

And in the mean time, we are relaxed, we are not stressed.

We have healthy bodies, compliments to The Lord! 

We have each other, we have our families, we have YOU!

So you really don't need to tell us, "Just relax, it will happen!"

Easy for you to say, not so easy to hear. 

And you don't need to tell us how your friend overcame infertility, because oddly enough she isn't me!

Nor do you need to tell us to just keep practicing...

And you don't need to tell me how fertile you are.... Gee, thanks....

You don't really need to say anything.... Just support us, pray for us, and be there when we might call upon you.

And share your babies with us, because it helps us while we wait. :)

Oh, and thanks for being patient with me... It's still a hard thing to go through

And remember, it's just my hormones talking! 

Do you have any concerns?

Doctors

They come in all shapes and sizes

Some work with disgusting things like feet - Podiatry 

Some work with amazing things like eyes - Opthalmology

Some work with wonderful things like puppies - Veterinary

And others, work with very awkward things - Gynecology and Urology

Whatever they chose to study, they all seem to ask the same question.

"So do you have any concerns or any questions?"

Its a great thing to ask, considering that you are likely at the doctors office because you either have a concern or a question, or both...

BUT, this polite and seemingly harmless question really stresses me out...

I really  have to remind myself that the MD or PhD that follows their name is NOT because of their psychology degrees!

Although they are indeed asking this question in order to try to help me, they are in no way prepared to answer the questions that come into my head....

Questions like...

Aren't I a little young to be having baby-making issues?

Why is it that people who shouldn't procreate have 5 kids and others who would make amazing parents can't have kids?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Do you think I'm related to Bill Gates, because there is no way my insurance is going to cover that!?

Is marriage really supposed to take this much work?

If a pig loses his voice, is he disgruntled?

Why do I have all the patience in the world for yuppie old clients at work but none for the ones I really love?

I'll be 27 next month, am I supposed to feel this decrepid so young?

If Matt goes completely bald, will his license still say that he has blonde hair?

Why doesn't someone tell you when your young and stupid that your mistakes will follow you the rest of your life?

When my husband and i both talk to our 5 dogs in the craziest baby-voices, does that have anything to do with us not having babies?

And why do we talk to things that can't answer back?

Why do I have names, nurseries, outfits, strollers, etc all picked out for my children when I'm not even pregnant?

Will I even know how to be a mother when I didn't have my own mother growing up?

Should my husband really produce 3 loads of laundry a week?

Why does ranching cost so much but pay so little?

Is wearing cowboy boots with yoga pants a fashion faux pas?

Is it ok if my husband has to make himself breakfast when he wakes up at 5am and I'm still snoozing?

Have ex-cowboys become deranged?

Does my husband know how much I really love him?

Will my mom ever know how much I miss her?

How can God love us the way he does?

And finally...why are Trix only for kids?!


I could go on forever, but I think you get the point.
No one living this life knows what they are doing. We can all be guided through it, whether it be by parents, friends, The Lord, self help books, etc, but no one knows the answer to every question, the solution to every problem.
We have to jump into life - feet first or head first because who knows what's right - and hope that we made the right choice. We have to have faith that the good Lord knows what's best for us, and that we will find happiness and joy if we only trust in Him.
I may never know the answers to my questions above, and yet I'll be ok.
Matt and I will either have beautiful babies or we will have wild and crazy cowboy lives together... Or maybe BOTH!
I know that my life will be fun and exciting and hard and captivating, that I will experience great joy and that there will also be struggles beyond anything I can imagine...but I know that in the end, I'll be ok. Because i know a God who loves me. Because i have a family who cares for me. Because I am married to the kindest man a woman could ask for... a loving, hard working, handsome cowboy who would do anything for me... Even see a urologist...
And now that he has, I need to stop worrying... I need to stop trying to forge my own path and let God lead me down the one he already paved for me.

I just really wish I could find the MapQuest for it!!!

Everything will be o.k., no butts about it

What a Rodeo

Today in church, we talked about a rodeo.
Well, not really... In fact, we didn't talk about anything remotely like a rodeo....
However... What we did talk about can be illustrated through one specific part of the wonderful world of rodeo.

Matt and I love to go to the rodeo. Matt likes to ride and rope in them, and for now I just like to watch. (Maybe someday soon I'll rope with him, but that's a different story)
So anywho, we like the rodeo.  Particularly fun to watch is the rough stock riding.  And my husbands favorite part of the rough stock riding is definitely not the bull riding.  Not the saddle bonc riding, not even the bare back riding.  It's watching the pickup men.  Some of you might be saying "who??"

Well, the pickup men are the hardest working, least known men of the rodeo. They ride throughout the entire rodeo doing a little bit of everything, wrangling wayward calves after the calf roping, roping and dragging one-ton bulls out of the arena, they are behind the scenes kinda guys.  They are in the arena from start to finish, but if there aren't any wrecks, the fans hardly ever even notice them.

A pickup man's main duty is to be a hero.  They are responsible for rescuing the cowboy after his 8 second ride.  They have to ride up right along the bucking horse in order to let the rider safely dismount, sometimes reaching speeds close to 30 mph! Cody Wright, world champion saddle bronc rider, even went as far as to say that a cowboys life depends on the pickup man, saying that you don't even want to ride unless you have a good pickup man.  People get hurt in rodeo all the time, and pickup men can be there to  quickly and safely put a cowboy back on his feet. It takes a special sort of cowboy to be a pickup man. They are great horsemen who can probably even rope better than most competitors.  But they are the only riders out there not riding for themselves, as they are willing to  risk their own safety in order to help others. After they have safely gotten the cowboy off the bucking beast, then they have to quickly get the gear off the horse and get it out of the arena. Only when the rider and the horse are safely out of harms way can the pickup man think about himself.  A pickup man is the real cowboy of the rodeo; humble, gentle, and patient, earning every ounce of respect that could be given to a cowboy.

Photo by Ronald Erdrich

So... How does this relate to what my pastor and sunday school teacher spoke about in church today?

Today we studied Ephesians chapter 4, Unity in the Body of Christ and 1John chapter 1, Walking in the Light..  As Christians, we have a calling to live up to.  It is a high privilege to have been chosen, to have been saved by grace.  Our salvation comes with responsibility. We need to know how  to live for The Lord, how to use the Spirit that's within us to stand against the devils schemes and to help our brothers in Christ. We need to walk in the light and have fellowship with one another (1John 1:7).  We need to care for one another, to talk to each other about our problems and struggles, and to seek The Lord together for His help and guidance.  We need to show others the light that we know and the light that we follow.  And we need to do so humbly and gently and patiently (Eph 4:2).

Now, as my pastor said, we think we fellowship with one another quite often.  We meet up for luncheons, or we call each other on the phone, we even meet for coffee before church. But that is not true fellowship.  True fellowship is asking our friends and our families how they are doing, what they are struggling with, and how we can pray for them.  And we need to share the love and the light with the friends around us that don't have Christ in their lives.  It is our responsibility to help others find Christ , to live our lives so that people may look at us and think, "I want what she has" or "He must know something I don't know".  We know how much God loves us, that it is in fact an immeasurable love. And we need to help save each other.  Now, I know that Christ's sacrifice is what saves you and I, that his death and resurrection allows for our sins to be forgiven. But we can help save one another by sharing his promises, by sharing his word and his love.  By fellowship. By humble, gentle and patient fellowship.

So, here's how pickup men are like Christians.
A pickup man has his calling to live up to.  He is entrusted with certain responsibilities, just as we as Christians have responsibilities.  He needs to be attentive to his riders, to his stock.  And we need to be attentive to our fellow Christians and our friends who may not have yet come to Christ.  We need to know how to use the Spirit to help us with these responsibilities, just as a pickup man uses his experience and training to help him with his.  And we need to do so humbly, gently and patiently.  The pickup man is so efficient, so gentle that the audience rarely even sees him.  He swoops in, protects the cowboy, protects the horse, and is hardly ever noticed.  The glory is given all to the cowboy.  The pickup man doesn't take off his hat and throw it into the air, he doesn't receive the cheering from the crowd. He sits patiently off to the side, ready for the next rider. Like the pickup man, we need to be so gentle to our friends.  We need to give our friends the tools they need in their walk with Christ, and we need to humbly give all the glory to God when our friend finds his way.  We need to watch our other friends, fellowship with them, and make sure that we share all our knowledge of how to live and stand as Christians.  And if our friends are not yet ready to receive our message, then we need to be patient.  Sometimes the pickup man doesn't get his rider off as planned.  Sometimes it seems as if the cowboy is right there, ready to be grabbed, when something changes the pattern of the horse, he stops bucking or changes directions.  The pickup man doesn't get discouraged - he knows he has a job to do and knows he has the tools to get it done. He tries until his rider is safe on the ground and the horse is out of the arena. The pickup man cares for his rider, then the rough stock, and then himself. And like a pickup man, we should fall last on our priority list. We need to fellowship with God, then with our friends and family. Our fellow man needs to come before us. Finally, a pickup man is not riding in the arena for his gain, for his glory. He is risking injury to himself in order to help others. Like a pickup man, we do not live this life for ourselves. We need to be living for God, for His work, and for His glory. And like pickup men, sometimes there will be hurt along the way. Pickup men get into wrecks, get rammed by stock, or get hurt just like other cowboys. But the injuries are worth it, because they helped save other cowboys. We might get laughed at or mocked when we try to fellowship with friends and share our knowledge of Christ with others, but if we help to bring Gods glory to even one other person, it will be worth it. We know we have responsibilities that come with our salvation, but we also know that through God and his Spirit, we have the tools needed to live up to our calling as Christians.  We need to be the humble and gentle pickup men in this arena that we ride in.

Photo by Alice Outwater

And as I write this, I know that I need to be better at sharing this light that I know and love, to be better at truly fellowshipping with others around me. My husband and I pray that we may be better at living this Christian life, and we know that it is only possible with His help.

The next time you're at a rodeo, watch the pickup men. I promise, you won't be disappointed. You'll be watching the best cowboys out there!