Natural Child Birth and Baby Lizards

My mother introduced me to Bill Cosbys stand up comedy when I was a teenager.

I remember driving to her house in her Saturn listening to his funny skits.

Of course, as a teenager, I didn't fully understand all the jokes or all his lines, but it was good enough to keep my sister and I rolling in the back seat.

Now that I'm expecting, I get asked the plethora of questions that every pregnant woman must endure, including some bizarre ones that I hope others don't have to answer....

"When are you due?" (July 6th)

"Do you know what your having" (We're hoping it's a baby ....)

"Were you trying to have a baby?" (Yes.... <evil glare>)

"Do your parents know you are having a baby?" (Yes... ??? ... Why???) (Apparently I look young)

"Are you out going to cosleep?" (No, but we will be using a bedside cosleeper)

"Are you going to breastfeed?" (I hope so!)

"Are you going to return to work?" (No, thanks to my handsome hubby!)

And of course the real kicker... 

"What's your birth plan?"

Everytime I get asked this question, I think back to my car rides filled with Bill Cosby.

Particularly, I think of this skit entitled "Natural Child Birth"

If you can't watch the video, the script is found below.

Feel free to skip it if you watched the video. 

Natural Child Birth, by Bill Cosby

Needless to say, we felt qualified to handle having children, and we planned to have children.

We sat in the back seat of a car, and discussed it. Children.

We wanted to have children and bring them up.

And we spoke to God about the children and we were afraid to ask God for specific things.

We felt that it might be too much.

We said to God, ''Please give us a healthy child,'' and we left it at that, not knowing that God is a generous God, but also has a sense of humor, and that if you leave that much open for God, some wonderful jokes are going to come about.

Still being intellectuals, my wife and l decided to bring our first child into the world by way of natural childbirth.

Now, we were intellectuals, mind you, which means that intellectuals go to study things that people do naturally.

You see, let's think about it.

Childbirth is a natural thing.

The pains come automatically, the muscles tighten and push down and the mother is there and all you need, as they say in every movie, is hot water.

''Get the hot water,'' and they just send some fool, runs, ''Hot water,'' you know, and bothers everybody in the world for hot water.

But even if you don't have hot water, the baby's going to come.

Ker-boom! Natural. Nature takes its course.

Whammo! And there it is. You understand? You just need somebody there to grab a hold, you know, to grab the rope, you know.

''There, keep pulling there, it's coming, l'll be right there in a second.'' See? Natural childbirth. People do it all around the deprived countries, quote, unquote, ''deprived countries of the world.'' 
Women... The lady's out there picking the rice or doing whatever in the thing and all of a sudden you say, ''Ooh!'' Blam! The child falls out, they cut the cord, tie it and the kid's there with the rice, with the mother, you know. Natural childbirth.

lntellectuals go to class to study how to do this.

My wife and l sat in class to learn how to have natural childbirth.

And the first thing they teach you is that 
you have to breathe properly, see? So when you press down on the muscles, there's breathing: 
<whistling breathing sounds>
That's my wife's job. So she's there, <whistling breathing sounds> And she was good. Now the father's job...

And the father must be there for these classes.

And they give the father a diploma also.

And if you don't get a diploma, you cannot come to the birth.

See? So my job is to bend my wife in half and say ''Push!'' 
Now if l don't go to class, l don't get a diploma for this, so l can't come to the birth.

So my wife is there <whistling breathing sounds> And l'm there: ''Push.'' And l'm the cheerleader: ''Push him out, shove him out, way out! Push him out, shove him out, way out!'' And my wife is a wonderful breather <whistling breathing sounds> And we were the best in our class.

And l began to breathe with my wife, macho style.

Zoph Woph Waef Woph Push, push.

Zoph Woph Waef Woph Push, push.

<whistling breathing sounds>
We went to parties and people asked us to breathe.

''Ladies and gentlemen, the breathing Cosbys!'' <whistling breathing sounds> Push, push! 

Natural childbirth. Natural childbirth means no drugs will be administered into the female's body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants.

On the ninth month, my wife called to me from the balcony of our California home: ''Bill!'' <whistling breathing sounds> I became excited. l said, ''Push!'' Then l remembered, we have to go to the hospital for the natural childbirth.

So l run into the car. l got a Ferrari.

Vrooooooooom

l do 104 from the garage to the front door.

So my wife comes out. She gets in the car.

Vrooooooooom
180, and we're breathing. Zoph Woph Waef Woph Push, push. <whistling breathing sounds>

And l'm in my Ferrari, man, $17,000 Ferrari, and my wife says, ''Oh!'' l say, ''No, dear, please, wait, not here.  No, not in the Ferrari, please.'' And l pull over. 

"We go in the bushes, we go in the bushes, but no, not in the car, dear.?

She's ''Oh, Bill, can l...'' Hold everything. l'll get you there." Vroooooooooom, So we pull up to the hospital. The Marx Brothers jump out: ''Whoo! Ha! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!'' Put my wife in a wheelchair.  Run her down to the delivery room. l signed her in, they put the hat on me, the thing on backwards, booties on the shoes.

l run into the delivery room. They got my wife all prepped and her legs way up in the stirrups... <whistling breathing sounds>.

And the doctor's sitting there like Johnny Bench.

Now, the first real pain hit my wife.

Whoo! 
And my wife said: ffffffffffffffffffffffffff, And l said, ''Push?'' 

Carol Burnett described what labor pains feel like.  She said, ''Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.'' 

The second pain hit: whoo! 
My wife said: waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, and stood up...in the stirrups....Grabbed my bottom lip...and said, ''l want morphine!'' 

l said, ''But dear...'Zoph Woph Waef Woph."  She said, ''You shut up! You did this to me!'' And on the next contraction, she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married.

Now we're back to breathing: <whistling breathing sounds> and l'm sitting there, ''Push, push.'' 
My wife's getting tired. ''l don't wanna push anymore, I don't wanna push.'' "No, you've got to push, dear.  Come on, dear, you've gotta." ''l don't wanna. Oh, no, no. Tell them to give me something.'' "No, you can do it. " ''No, l don't wanna graduate from the class anymore. l just wanna--'' Please, come on, you can do it. "

l look in the rearview mirror and l see the head. And Johnny Bench is still sitting there, like....

So l said, ''lsn't that the head?'' He said, ''Yeah.'' l said, ''Well, go get it.'' He said, ''lt's stuck.'' l said, ''Well, get the salad spoons, man!'' 

So... So he gets the salad spoons and the baby comes out. POP!!!

Now this is the greatest moment...in our lives.

This is what we asked God for.

This is what we wanted to see if we could make.

And l look at it.

And they started to clean it off.

And it wasn't getting any better.

And l went over to my wife and l kissed her ever so gently on the lips and l said, ''Darling, l love you very, very much.  You just had a lizard.'' 

Because the thing changed colors three times.

And the neck and head wouldn't work, it just kept <imitates a loose head on a loose body> And l said to the doctor, ''Can you put this back? '''Cause it isn't done yet. lt needs to cook another three months maybe.'' 
But the hospital made us take it home.

Now... This is our first baby. 

I have no idea what to expect in the delivery room, but Bill gives me quite a descriptive image.

So, to answer everyone's question, "what's your birth plan?" :

Our birth plan:

1. have a baby, a healthy baby.

The End.

Two weeks ago at my last appointment, I told my OB that I didn't have a birth plan.

She said THANK YOU with a huge smile on her face.

She said that births hardly ever go according to plan, and then mothers just get stubborn and disappointed.  

And she said that my birth would be especially hard to plan for, and thinks our "let's just have a baby" attitude is perfect. 

Due to my cervical scar tissue, I have a high risk of premature delivery.  However, I also have a high risk of having a cervix that will not dilate.  

And there is no way to know which way it will go until it starts to happen.

She said I might deliver before 36 weeks or I might go into labor at 41 weeks with a completely closed and hard cervix.

A c-section is a very realistic option for me. 

Even if I start to dilate, the OBs are hesitant to say that I would dilate past 4cm due to the scar tissue not being as "stretchy" if you will.... Which would mean I would need a c-section anyway...

However, my cervix has been a champ through these first 30 weeks and I might get to have a vaginal delivery.

I have "ideas" of how a vaginal delivery would go...

Say everything with my cervix is great and I get to actually push... I'm going to say that I don't want an epidural... I might opt for other meds, but im just not terribly excited to get a needle in my spine.

However, with that being said, I obviously would have a spinal block if i need a c-section.... See where this whole "planning" thing gets complicated?

I just want a delivery that will be the least stressful on the baby.

And I totally trust my OBs to know what is best... 

I know that "MY body is made for this", and that "MY body will know what to do"... But frankly, id trust the doctors that have delivered thousands of babies over my incompetent cervix.  

I know there are pros and cons for both vaginal births vs. c sections, and that there are pros and cons for both unmedicated births vs. medicated births, but in the end the result is the same.

A baby is born and a miracle has been performed!

I want to say that I'm going to be strong and try to have a natural child birth like Mrs. Cosby... But if I end up going for an epidural...I will not be disappointed, and I know my baby won't be disappointed, nor will my husband.

So until the baby decides to make it's grand entrance, I'll just practice some breathing techniques like the above intellectuals and pray for the best!